Thursday, February 18, 2010

Thoughts of a 35 year old woman

I recently celebrated my 35th birthday by going to New York City, yes the big apple, over an extended weekend. It was delicious!

I laughed (had many laughing spells on the subway).
I grasped (I'm a grasper according to Nando).
I attended celebrities' parties.
I met wonderful individuals.
I felt revived, loved and valued. I was myself. I could be silly, awkward and be in awe of the powerful and confident women I met. Mr P. a friend of Nando's created an exquisite piece of art, a sculpture especially for me. WOW, I was honored.

When I returned to Iowa, honestly I struggled. I went through a fixed array of emotions. I was confused. I felt remorse, sadness, tiredness. I love my children, my husband, but it was back to the hectic- crazy- demanding schedule. Work, housework, homework.

In NYC, I felt happy. Back in Iowa, I was not me, I was someone’s employee: a number, someone’s wife, someone’s mom, someone’s student, someone’s neighbor, someone’s daughter, and in all that, sometimes I feel lost. Like I don’t have an identity. I'm sure every Mom goes through this phase and ask themselves “Who I am?”

How do you cope with all your roles, but still maintain a sense of individuality?
Jobs can be lost, children grow up and leave you, etc…but the journey of self-discovery never ends, I never want it to end for me. I have always said that on my last breath on Earth,
I don’t want to be full of regrets,
I don’t want to think…what if…
That would be terrible.

I was impressed by Frank, persuading his fashion destiny,
Tawny, starting her own cupcakes business,
Abiola, her endless enthusiasm and energy (I have a crush on her- is that possible to have a girl-crush?)
Shoshy an empowering, confidant diva,
Shannon, four children FOUR and a successful blogger,
Kim, started her own wonderful lip- gloss company,
Su, with WINK (she was so pleasant!)
I guess, meeting all these people forced me to ask myself “what are you doing to follow your passion?” and that made me very uncomfortable, uneasy.

I was and am still scared to answer that question......


  1. Oh sister I completely understand you, I'm still trying to find my passion. And you are right, It's a multi-role we lead and how do we set ourselves apart as individuals. Thought provoking. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Dobar dan, Im Paula, a friend of Elisa's in Croatia, hope you dont mind me writing something here, felt I just had to... You said "Im sure every mum... asks herself who am I?". Im 42, almost 43, I am from Australia, I didnt speak english when I began school, I won the english award every year at school, then went on to university, I am an architect, with 20years of experience and 2 Royal Australian Institute of Architecture design awards. I have created and managed $20million dollar projects on my own, I own my own house in Perth, I have a luxury car in my friends garage there, I moved to Croatia 16months ago, I had never been here before, I knew no-one when I came here, on my own, I reverted back to my first language, to start with I couldnt even get a coffee, now most days I dont speak english... and I too ask myself "Who am I"... and to be honest the answer doesnt even matter much I think, for I dont have children, so who will be there to 'know who I am'. Been a 'mum' is so dismissed in our society as 'not been someone'... You are a 'mum', and congratulations for been selfless and patient enough to take on 'that profession'... I think everyone, mum or not, rich or poor, famous or not, male or female, all ask that question 'Who am I?". I, too, only ave the questions,but not the answers :)

  3. Thank you so much for your comments, I got emotional as I was reading your words. Thank you for sharing. I am so happy Elisa has you as a friend